Tuesday, January 12, 2010

60 Days

I read this book this book after my breakup and one of the "he-tox" steps (get it, a detox from your ex? Funny, no? No? Okay.) is to break ALL communication with your ex. No wondering, no second guessing yourself, no "but what if a killer shark bites his leg and I have to go visit him in the hospital because this life changing incident made him profess his love for me" visits. No calls, e-mails, text, IM, Facebook, Twitter or any other social networking you can think of. Hmm, I can do this. I had officially started a "hetox" before I read this book and I didn't know it. My ex and I had a painful conversation (over G-mail chat nonetheless) that really dug into my heart and soul. I mean it truly hurt because some things came out that I never knew before. "Really, so that's how you feel/felt?" type of crap that made me insane. Insane with a mix of emotions: anger, sadness, anxiousness, fear of the unknown. It was a truth so harsh, that it plummets you down to the bottom and there's no place left for you to go but the top. It was then that I decided, I couldn't be the crazy ex-girlfriend hanging on to the past. No we cant be friends. No I cant speak to you anymore. You hurt me like no ones ever hurt me before, so quite frankly being friends isn't good for me and my mental health and well being.

Night one: The conversation was close to eleven at night on Christmas Eve. I slept horribly, well what little sleep I did get. Before I lulled myself to sleep, my mind was running wild with "what-ifs". I kept repeating the most hurtful words I could pick out of the conversation over and over in my head, and even though we'd had the conversation online, I could hear them clearly. That didn't stop them from hurting any less; they hurt like a knife being stabbed. I cried, wondering how could I put myself out there, so vulnerable? Then I got angry at the exact same thought? Well, how COULD I put myself out there so vulnerable?

Days 2-7:
I sulked. I was miserable. Staring out the window, laying on the couch, under covers for endless hours. I blamed myself for all that went wrong. Then I blamed him. I was a wreck. My days were filled with going through the motions. I fought the urge to call him.

Day 8: While laying in my self-induced heartbreak coma, I put my phone on vibrate/silent/under the couch/in another room, anywhere where I couldn't hear it or would want to use it. Heck, if I didn't need it, I honestly would have thrown it away. But hey, I need a number for those people I go on interviews with to call me. In the afternoon, around 1pm, I awoke from a nap and saw I had a text on my phone. Who could that possibly be? I had isolated myself from the world. I opened the text and recognized the number immediately. It was my ex. Although I had deleted him from my phone (and myFaves) it was gonna take a while for me to forget those digits. The message simply read : "How have you been doing?"
What?! You mean before OR after you took my heart and stomped all over it, then crumpled it up into a ball and threw it back at me? Yeah. I thought so. That text didn't get a response. I honestly stared at it for a good minute to see if it was real. Maybe I was having a dream, what with all that sleeping I was doing. But no, this was real and the pain that I felt combing back towards me like a hard slap in the face was real. This was the last time I've ever heard from him at the time of this post.

Days 9-13: I feel a little better. By now, 2010 has kicked off and while I've made no resolutions I still feel things are going to change for the better. I started off 2010, heartbroken and sad but I realize that I need to break out of this slump. I'm about to graduate from college in May (on my 22nd birthday!) and I have nothing but opportunity in front of me. Hey, it could be worse! There's a life to be made out there. Gradually, I started getting the energy and will to get up, out from under my covers.

Day 14: This day marks a turning point, I believe. I visited one of my prospective schools for my graduate studies. I also got the book I mentioned earlier in this post and later on that night I tried a new cardio workout. It was then I realized, "Hey! There are grad school admissions to be written! There is stuff you need to do that you needed to do before the breakup. Don't neglect it!" By the end of the day, I realized that I hadn't thought about him all day. For the first time, my day was not all about him and what went wrong. Hmm, there may be light at the end of the tunnel. My train is just slowly creeping towards it, but it will get there.

Day 15-Day 19 (Currently): So, this is where I'm at now. I've officially decided to do this hetox. I even printed out a nice little calender to mark each day off with a big black X. (Hey, no need to mess up my little pretty, new 2010 planner for him! He's messed up enough.) I'm in no way claiming to be completely over it and every day is not a big bowl of happy. BUT, I can say that I feel like I'm in a better place than when I started. I don't obsess all day about what went wrong or how we could have fixed it. My urges to call have significantly decreased and he has been deleted from every form of communication that I could possibly think of. I was holding on to Facebook, because I thought that I didn't have to check on him but he could still see what I was doing (because maybe he still cared/would get jealous) but that was just another excuse to keep my foot in the door. Nope, today he got X'd out of that aspect of my life as well.

With all that said, I cant wait to see how I feel at Day 60! Empowered? Happy? Free? Dating? 5 pounds lighter? I don't know, but God knows it has to be better than Day 1. Anything is better than that.

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